The 10 Commandments of a Healthy Relationship

1. Choose wisely.

Know yourself and the real reasons why you choose one partner over another. We may think we select a spouse because of the way they look (or look at us), talk, or act, but in reality we often respond to underlying relationship patterns from our past.  Get to know yourself so that you are no longer condemned to repeat toxic thought and behavior patterns and you can choose someone who is good for you.

2. Learn to love with fewer conditions

True unconditional love, where the other person doesn’t have to fulfill any conditions in order to be accepted, supported, and loved by you, is the kind of love a parent can feel for their child. Even that is not always easy to achieve.

Between two adults, love will probably always carry some conditions. Examine those conditions honestly and try to differentiate between those that are absolutely vital and those that can harm your relationship.

3. Don’t make assumptions. Ever.

No matter if you have been together for one week or ten years: never, ever, make assumptions about each other. When you make assumptions, you close the door to connecting with reality.

4. Communicate through talking.

Communication is the foundation of all healthy relationships.

Good communication means letting your partner know what is going on inside you. Never assume that they ‘must know’. How can anyone know what you think or feel unless they are actually inside your head? There is one easy way to pass on that information: talk.

5. Communicate through listening.

There is always one good way to find out what is going on for your partner: ask!

Ask open-ended questions like ‘What is happening with you right now?’ rather than closed ones that already suggest you know (part of) the answer, such as ‘Why are you so angry with me?’

Closed questions are used to drive the flow of information into a specific direction. Open questions encourage the other person to be genuine and choose their own direction.When your partner answers, listen to him or her. With an open mind and an open heart.

6. Learn to fight clean.

Conflicts arise naturally between two people. Couples that fight have a much higher chance of staying together, but only if they observe certain rules.

Make sure you state your position clearly but without accusing the other side. Stay with what you feel and think, don’t make assumptions. Stay with the current issue and stay curious about the other person. Finally, try to work out the conflict without giving up on yourself or your partner. Work it out with mutual compassion.

7. Take responsibility for your feelings.  

No one can ‘make’ you feel anything. If you are angry, or if you are worried, the feeling is yours. Taking responsibility for your feelings can be empowering. In a relationship, both of you need to take that responsibility.

This doesn’t mean that you can hurt the other person with impunity. The pain they feel is a response to the pain you inflict. But the feeling is theirs.

8. Be genuine.

Take off the mask and let your partner into the secret of who you really are. If you ‘fake it’, whatever ‘it’ may be, the relationship becomes unreal. Your partner will base their actions and decisions on your fake information.

9. Keep and respect healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not closed doors.

They are clearly marked areas where one person ends and the other begins. The closer you are to someone, the more you need to know and respect their boundaries – and your own. You are two people in a relationship, no more, no less.

10. Nurture intimacy.

In every way. Intellectual, emotional, psychological and, of course, physical.

Intimacy makes the relationship between a couple different from all other relationships. And it is this special relationship that you want to nurture and grow as long as you are together.

These ten ‘commandments’ will help you to create and maintain a healthy relationship. All that is left to do now is to enjoy it.

Celebrate!