The Tension of Opposites

No matter what we do, there’s no real way to avoid conflict in our lives. “Conflict” doesn’t have to mean a bloody emotional, weeping and screaming argument with someone, nor does it mean an unpleasant, confrontational interaction that’s destined to provoke negativity. Conflict can be nothing more than the two events vying for the same time slot or two solutions to a problem. It can be the opposing benefits and costs of going home versus staying on vacation.

If reducing conflict to dualities seems simplistic, remember that human experience is filled with dualities. Night and day, life and death, hungry/full, hot/cold, aimless/directed, harmony/cacophony. From the time we’re small children, when we’re faced with opposing “pulls,” or opposing choices, we’re taught to try to make a melange of both points. This underlies the idea of compromise. Compromising is certainly a good thing to do, sometimes the only thing to do, but it often isn’t very satisfying on a deep, instinctive level. I’ve heard clients say, “I know the compromise I worked out with my partner [etc] was supposed to be a win/win, but we both feel like we lost, and ended up with something neither of us wanted.”

Compromising can be like that. Sometimes compromise means two parties give up their own positions to mutually accept a third position that’s equally displeasing to both. Thus, both parties are joined together in a bad situation—but at least no one “won”. That’s the challenge that arises when a counselor works with two people, each holding a position in a situation. Making a good compromise. Making acceptable, good compromises is an art unto itself, but there’s another way to go, that’s a bit more complex to learn—and can be difficult at the onset, but gives room for the unexpected, the creative, to step in and give birth to previously unseen solutions.

We call this “holding the tension” of opposites (after Carl Jung’s concept), and it can be used by a single person experiencing the stress of being pulled between two choices, two paths, two life-directions, even something as simple as taking a vacation or staying home. I’ve heard job-seekers discuss their feelings after interviewing for a potentially great job, but they’re conflicted. The job might be requiring some extra training, working night shifts, or in some way, while still being a terrific job—requiring the applicant to change. The duality here is one of the most profound imaginable: change versus living in the status quo. That’s a huge, huge duality and it happens all the time. Often we hear that “life is change,” or that to live bountifully and healthily we must change. Is that always true? Of course not! So how does this holding the tension of opposites actually work?

First, you must understand—“holding the tension of the opposites” is not an attempt at compromise. Compromise is a problem solving skill, a kind of horse-trading. “Holding the tension of the opposites” is a deeper, more intuitive and personal challenge. To understand it, let’s take it step by step.

You have to understand what opposites are really in play. In the example of a job seeker presented with a great job—but a job that requires changes to be made, the opposites aren’t “job vs no job”—the opposites are change vs no-change. Once you’ve done that, can you articulate, can you let both sides speak to you? Can you talk them out? This is when having a trusted confidante (or a therapist!) is incredibly useful. You’re not so much informing another party so as to get their counsel on which way you should go—you’re simply speaking out the conflict that’s inside you to another human being. This process alone starts you on holding the tension of opposites.

Next things get tougher. You have to live with both potentialities hovering over you for a little while. Our society from coast to coast is one vast pressurized system and we tend to admire a person who can make a snap decision. Even a few days wait can be very uncomfortable when there’s a decision to be made. Learn to endure that discomfort. That’s one area where the “tension” is holding the tension of the opposites comes in.

If you do endure that period of discomfort, the “middle way” emerges. It’s not a compromise. It’s a path created by the tension itself. The tension comes not just from the stress on you, but also the tension the two choices create on their own, as balanced and worthy choices. You don’t have to do anything other than be mindfully aware of yourself in the here and now, while letting the tension of the opposites bring out the middle way, the unknown possibility pulled from deep inside of you.